September Story Contest

Silent Tears part 2 part 1
By: DTKLOVER
Age: 15

It’s been two years. Two long, hard years.

After I had that dream, everything changed. I was determined to get my life back.
With the doctor’s help and Sam’s support, my body has healed enough that I have nearly a full range of motion again. I no longer have a treach tube, or any tubes for that matter. I am able to speak, but only very quietly.
The biggest problem remaining is that if my adrenaline starts running, some of my symptoms come back. I might forget things in mild cases, and in more severe ones I become temporarily paralyzed again.
The doctors don’t know why this is. All they know is that it must have something to do with the way the adrenaline affects my brain.
This has been very hard to overcome. One time I was simply reading a book, and when it started to get exciting I tried to flip to the next page, but my arm wouldn’t move. It was an hour before I could use it again.

I must be very careful what I do now. But do not think I am complaining, because I am still just glad to be free from that prison the call Weathervane. I only escaped a month and a half ago.

I still don’t know who I am. When Sam brought me here from the hospital, we decided to change my name. Ty worked when it was just us, but not here in the real world. It wasn’t much of a change. He calls me Tay now, short for Taylor.
Since then, Sam and I have spent part of the day most days driving around, trying to find something, anything familiar. Last week, we took a three-day journey through horse country doing nothing but looking at the scenery.
It was on that trip that a miracle occurred.
We were driving by a small farm, and up on the hill in a large pasture I saw a horse. But this was no ordinary horse. This was my horse!
I could not believe it! I said, as loudly as I could, “Sam, Stop!” and almost before Sam could hot the brakes I was out the door, flying over the fence and up the hill.
I got so excited that my legs locked up mid stride, and I collapsed in the tall grass.
But the horse had seen me, and came running, ears pricked, and nickering as loudly as he could.
He slid to a stop beside me, and put his nose to my hair. He moved from there, across my face, to my neck, and down my arm to my hand.
I slowly reached up and patted his patted his neck, working my way down to his haunting eyes and adorable nose. I then grabbed his mane, and he helped me sit up. I hugged his head, and he sighed. A big, huge, horse sigh that said, “Finally, my girl has come back to me. My world is in order again.”
Suddenly, his name hit me from out of the clear blue sky. Literally.
I whispered into his ear, “I knew I’d find you Sky!”
I remembered his name had been “Sky High Dreamin’”, or Sky for short.

He whickered. It was a low, soft, sweet sound; even better then a bird’s song. Then he lifted his head and blew his warm horse breath down my neck. I shivered with pleasure, and continued stroking him.
This all happened in an instant.
Sam came running up behind me, panting and out of breath. Scared for my safety, he began whooping and shooing Sky away, but Sky wouldn’t budge. He looked at me, then looked at Sky, and started to laugh. He turned to me and said, “So, this is your boy, huh? What a beautiful creature!”
I nodded and said, “Sam, meet Sky. Sky, this is Sam, my only friend in the
World.”
Sam, playing along, took off his hat and bowed, then said, “Nice to meet you, Mr. Sky! Care for a cup of tea, maybe some crumpets or sugar cubes?”
At this I burst out laughing, and so did Sam. Sky, wanting in on the fun, reared up above me and nickered. I gasped, and Sam, realizing my dangerous position, grabbed my arms, jerked me out of Sky’s path and tried to chase Sky off.
 “Stop! He was only having fun with us. He didn’t know Sam!” Sam turned, and Sky snorted.
Sam looked between Sky and I again, then shook his head, came and checked me over, then, seeing my mischievous grin, began laughing.
“Tay, you sure know how to scare a fellow!” He said.
We sat in the field for a little while, surrounded by lush, emerald colored grass and wildflowers of every color, laughing and talking until I could move again.
I rose up, and we walked towards the farmhouse, Sky following right behind.
The farmer saw us coming from his window and, puzzled, stepped into the yard.
Sam walked up and introduced himself, then motioned to me and said “…and this is my friend Taylor. We need to talk with you about that horse out there.”
The farmer introduced himself as Mr. Chipley, and invited us to take a seat on his porch.
Sam went on to explain my story, and after calling the hospital to confirm it, arrangements were made. Mr. Chipley said that he had found Sky wandering loose by the road one day on his way back from a sale. He had been selling a couple of his milk cows, so his trailer was empty. He loaded Sky and brought him back, and no one had ever come looking for him. We asked him how long ago this was, and he said about 2 years ago. We asked where, and he said that he had no idea. Somewhere between here and Aurora. “That’s 50 miles from here!” I exclaimed. He nodded, and said that he was sorry he couldn’t help more.
It was decided that we would go back to Sam’s ranch, where I’ve been living, and get his trailer. Then we came back to the farm, picked up Sky, and returned home.

But wait, I am getting ahead of myself.
I mentioned that I have been living on Sam’s ranch with him. It is an 80-acre ranch, with many types of terrain. It has many outbuildings, including 3 small cabins and a large farmhouse.
The farmhouse, of course, belongs to Sam and his family. Sam’s foreman, Joe, his wife, Sally, and their 3 kids Joey, Fred, and Nancy occupy the largest of the three cabins.
The middle-sized cabin holds the three-ranch hands-Pepper, Red, and Johnny.
The smallest, which sits up on the hill behind the farmhouse, belongs to me. It is a small cabin, but a nice one. It has many windows all around, which of course I love.
There is a little fireplace with a couch in front of it on the back wall, a bed on the left, and some bookshelves and a small table to the right.
Out front is a small covered porch with a swing and 2 chairs, and in front of that is a little garden with a white fence circling it.

Beside the cabin is a little 2-3-horse barn and paddock that I can see from both the porch and the windows.
Sam keeps his favorite horse, Cowboy there, and now Sky as well. They had become fast friends, and-other than when Sam needed Cowboy for ranch work-were never far from each other.
Down the hill in front of Sam’s house, there is a large barn that holds all of the other horses. And from here on my porch, I can see it all.
From the horses in the fields, to the hands working the cattle, I can see it all.
I am sitting on the porch swing right now, watching Sky and Cowboy play. This is one of my favorite things to do. I haven’t ridden yet, but Sam says maybe soon I will. I feel like I could now, and there have been many times that I’ve tempted to. But I know that he is concerned for my safety, and he’s done so much for me that I must humor him. He’s never left my side in these 2 years, and if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t have made it. If he hadn’t found me when he did, the doctors say that there’s no way I would have lived. Even when he brought me in, they didn’t have much hope for me.
Sam hasn’t taken me to that place that he found me yet; the doctors say that it would be too much for me right now.

There’s the dinner bell!
For meals we go to the ranch house and eat together. It’s always fun, and Catherine, Sam’s sister as well as the cook, always does a wonderful job.
I stand and stretch the kinks from my back and neck, then walk through the fields, down the hill to the ranch house.
I reach the door, and Catherine says that we are eating out on the patio tonight. It’s such a nice night; I’m glad that we are. The patio overlooks most of Sam’s land. It’s always so pretty!
It looks like we are having a light dinner consisting of turkey sandwiches and salad. I take my usual seat at Sam’s side, and everyone begins to file in, doing the same.
The table is long and narrow. Joe and his family sit on one the right side, Pepper, Red, John, and Catherine on the left. Sam and I sit on one end, and if his parents come they sit at the other end. (His parents gave them-being he and Catherine-the ranch a couple years ago when they retired, and they live just down the road in a small house on an acre property. They come and visit once or twice a week.)
The food is laid out in the center of the table.
Everyone is here now. Sam asks Joe to say a quick blessing, and when he is done the table erupts in talk and laughter as we fix our plates.
I always love this chatter. They talk about everything going on at the ranch, from bills to fences to cattle to pastures to barns to-my favorite-horses.
I love how everyone gets that passionate spark in their eye as they talk about the horses they love. There is a whole herd of horses here, of all colors shapes and sizes. But everyone has their favorites. Sam’s favorite-as I said before-is Cowboy, a big chestnut quarter horse gelding with a big white blaze down his face and four white socks that come up to his knees. Joe’s is Rosebud, an average sized strawberry roan quarter horse that is as tough as nails and sometimes mean. Pepper’s is Boomer, an old blue roan broomtail mustang that works his guts out for his rider. Red likes Swallow, a chestnut and white paint. John always rides Witch, a black mare, though he won’t admit he loves her… which is understandable with how nasty she is! Sally and the kids don’t ride much, so they don’t really have favorites, although we always put them on Toby, an old sweetheart that will always take care of his rider.
Pepper is talking about the ride today. All the hands were bringing in some of the cattle for branding tomorrow, and it seems as though it must have been an exciting ride! “Boomer and I were covering the back, watching for slackers when I saw this big old’ bull getting ready to charge at Joe over to my left. I hollered at him, but he was focusing on the road ahead. That bull started to charge him, and as he did little Rosebud decided to get rid o’ her oats and started bucking up a storm. Joe was doing all he could to hold on, and didn’t see the bull coming. I locked Boomer onto him and he was off like a bullet. In a flash we reached the bull, and as Joe got Rosie there under control we got that bull back into place. I figure we pretty near saved Joe’s life out there!” Pepper said. Then Joe replied, “Oh, it wasn’t all that dramatic Pepper. You always have been the drama king around here. Hey, Sam! Maybe we should go put him out on broad way! Then we’d have all the money we need and more! Hahaha!” at which we all burst into laughter.
I am so lucky to be in a place like this, where everyone accepts me the way I am even though I can’t work like them. I do what I can, but I’m just not able to do much. They always treat me as though I’m equal to them, and include me in their conversations. They ask my opinion on things, and give me their full attention, as though my thoughts are the most important on the subject when clearly they are not.

Once everyone has finished, we clear our places and go our separate ways. I normally help Catherine with all the dishes, and then spend the evening with Sam. Tonight there aren’t many dishes, and Catherine is more quiet then usual. I wonder if anything is wrong, but I respect her space. Sam comes up and starts helping me put the dishes away, and we are done in no time. He comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me in a hug. Then he whispers in my ear that he’ll meet me in Sky’s paddock in a little while, but he has a couple things he needs to do first.
I turn and hug him back, then smile and say, “I’ll be waiting.”
I begin the long walk back, and as I cross the yard I see Pepper jump in the bed of the truck with Red, then John pulls out. Looks like they’re going to town tonight.
I walk up the hill, and arrive at the paddock. Sky nickers at me, and I smile. I slide between the bars in the fence and give him a hug.
He stands for a moment, then pulls back and nibbles my ponytail. I laugh, and he gives me a mischievous look. He begins running around, and Cowboy joins in. They start to buck and kick, playing for all they’re worth.
I get caught up in their fun, and forget to watch my heart rate.
Suddenly, my legs go out from under me. The horses, caught up in play, get closer and closer. I try to yell at them, to somehow get their attention, but they cannot hear my small voice above their hooves.
I am really getting scared now, which only makes it worse. I try to calm down, but it’s no use. The paralysis spreads, until I can’t move at all. Now I’m gasping for air, I can hardly breath.
A couple more steps, and they’ll be on top of me. I shut my eyes and brace for the impact.
From nowhere, I hear Sam yelling, “Get! Get away! Cut that out!” Then feel him place his hands on my shoulders, desperately trying to wake me up.
I open up my eyes to see his white, panicked face above mine as he shakes my shoulders.
He wraps me in a huge bear hug, closer to tears then I’ve ever seen him. He holds me for a few minutes, then lets go. He looks and feels me over, checking for any injuries and asks me questions frantically, “Are you okay? Did they hurt you? What happened? Talk to me Tay!”
I sputter, gasp, cough, and my breathing finally goes back to normal. I tell him I’m fine, and explain what happened. He sighs a deep sigh of relief, and tells me I need to be more careful. I nod, and he carries me inside.
He sets me on the couch. He wraps a blanket around my shoulders, and I realize what a cold night it is. Feeling and movement come back to me as I watch him light the fire. He makes us both a cup of tea, then comes and sits beside me. He puts his arm around me, and I rest my head on his shoulder.
We sit there silently watching the flames for a long time.
The fire starts to get low, and I’m tired.
Sam looks at me then says, “Tay, I’ve been watching you. You love it here, I know. But you’re still desperate to find who you are…or were. And you can never truly be at home here until you find out.” I remain silent, for we both know it’s true. “I’ve made arrangements with Joe to watch the ranch for me. Next week, you and I will go, and we wont come back until you know. What you’ve told me of your dreams and what we know to be true from where and how I found you make me think that it must be somewhere here in Minnesota. We will drive everywhere we can, and ride everywhere we can’t until we find something familiar. The doctors said that it’s okay; you’re strong enough now. I’ll put you up on Sky tomorrow night, and you can ride with me around the ranch whenever I’m going somewhere. That way you’ll be fit and able to ride as long as we need to. We’ll take Sky and Cowboy with us.
I don’t care how long it takes Tay. It’s been to long years, and if we were going to give up, we would have already.
I have an old saddle that fits Sky well, and a bridle too. You can use them; they just need to get cleaned up a bit.
I know you’re scared, and we are both shaken up after tonight. But I promise, I’ll be with you every step of the way.”
I sit up, and look him in the eye. He still has a little fear in them from earlier, but beneath that I can see in him the determination that I feel in myself, in every fiber of my being.
I hug him, afraid to speak for the tears of thankfulness threatening to spill. He hugs me back, and we hold each other for a long while like that. Then, without another word, he places another log on the fire, puts on his hat, and walks out the door.

I stay seated for a long time, watching the fire. Without realizing it, I allow myself to slowly drift away.

I open my eyes.
The fire has long been burned out. Light is streaming in through my windows. I must have fallen asleep on the couch last night.
I stand and fold my blanket. I’ve really overslept! No time for my exercises today. I grab a carrot from the fridge, throw my hat on, smooth the wrinkles from my clothes, and go outside.
I walk over to Sky, give him the carrot, and contemplate jumping on his back and riding down the hill. Wouldn’t that surprise them all! I laugh and decide against it, knowing it’s a bad idea. I pat him one last time, kiss his nose, and head to the farmhouse.
As I reach the door, the hands are heading out. They all acknowledge me with nods or winks, and Pepper says, “Morning, sleepyhead!” I smile and reply, “Good morning Pepper. Your sure in a good mood today!” and we all laugh. They continue out to the main barn, and I enter the farmhouse.
Catherine sees me walk in and lifts a plate from the microwave. “Here, I saved you a plate.” She says with a smile. I thank her and quickly eat my food.
When I’ve finished, I clean my plate and head back up to Sky’s paddock.
“Hmmm, that’s weird!” I think to myself. Both Cowboy and Sky are hiding up in the barn, and neither comes to greet me.
“I wonder…” I walk into the barn, and there, fully groomed and tacked, stand both horses! Sam comes up behind me and wiggles my hat on my head, then asks, “So, ready for your first ride?” “Am I ever!” I reply.
He hands me Sky’s reigns, then gets Cowboy.
We lead them to the paddock, and shut the gate. Sam closes the doors to the stalls, forming a kind of arena. Then he ground ties Cowboy and walks over to me.
“Do you remember how?” He asks. “How could I forget?” I answered.
He holds Sky’s head as I gather my reigns, put my left foot in the stirrup, bounce two or three times, then swing up and on. I settle into the saddle and pick up my other stirrup, then let out a sigh of pure joy and pleasure.
Just like in my dream, I feel at home here. I smile down at Sam, and he smiles back.
He runs and leaps onto Cowboy, then comes to my side once more. He looks at me, and I nod.
Together we walk off, and it is glorious to feel Sky’s movement beneath me. He keeps an ear on me constantly, and walks gingerly as though he thinks I might break. I feel my heart rate rising, but I use the breathing exercise that Dr. Nordeman taught me, and I feel it return to normal. Sam looks at me with concern, but I ignore it. Nothing is going to ruin this ride for me.
We walk both ways, Sam watching my every move.
When he’s sure it’s safe, we go to a trot. Sky is still stepping gingerly, smoothing his gate as much as possible. He carries me gently, and I pat his shoulder. My smile grows so big my face hurts, but I don’t care. Sky listens to my every cue, and acts as though he knows I need his help and perfect behavior.
We go around many times like this, going both directions.
Then Sam stops Cowboy in the center and motions for me to keep going. He gives me directions from the center, and I follow them using me seat, leg, eyes and hands to influence Sky’s movement.
Then Sam tells us to stop. He walks over, and asks if I want to try a lope today. I don’t even need to think. I’m smiling so hard I can’t talk, so I nod.
He remains at my side as we walk off, then trot, then he looks at me and nods.
We cue the horses faster, and I feel Sky gather himself beneath me. The pure power in movement beneath me gives me chills. He lifts up, and then we’re off. Soaring, flying, breathing as though we are one.
The awesome, beautiful, powerful, amazing feeling of his strides as we eat up the ground brings me near to tears. With Sky as my legs and wings, I need nothing more. We are one again. In a flash, I see myself, remember myself, doing this many times. Sometimes with a tall man, maybe my father, beside me, sometimes on my own, sometimes with my friends, the thoughts come flooding in. In a flash they are gone, but I know they are there. I belong here on this mighty steed.

After a few more laps, Sam starts to slow and I know that I must as well. I begin to walk Sky out, and Sam rests in the center. It hits me that they still have a long, hard day of work ahead. I can’t believe that they have spent all this time and energy on me.
When Sky is cool, I bring him into the center and halt. Before I can remove my foot from the stirrup, Sam is off his horse and at my side, ready to catch me or help me if I need it.
I slide off, and he slows my descent so that I barely feel the ground when I land. We look at each other and smile once again, and, not having the words to thank him, I embrace him in a huge hug. He hugs me back, and then we lead our horses back to the barn. I take Sky to his stall and strip his tack. Sam shows me the tack box outside Sky’s stall door, and with his help we get it all in. Then I groom my horse as Sam watches from the isle. As I groom I pat and kiss and praise Sky for being such a good boy, and for taking care of me out there.
Sam is glowing with pride, as am I.
When I’m done, I remove Sky’s halter and open the back of his stall to the paddock. He nudges me and plays with my hair once more before walking out to graze.
I leave the stall, and Sam tells me that tomorrow I can ride with him while he works around the ranch. I laugh as I imagine everyone’s faces as we ride down the hill. He asks what is so funny, and I tell him. We laugh about it together for a moment, then I hug him again. He has given me the best thing he ever could have. He’s given me my freedom back. Because for me, freedom and horses are synonyms.
He reminds me to watch my heart rate, smiles, then mounts up and rides off.
I go to my cabin, floating on air, me feet barely touching the ground.
I grab a glass of lemonade and walk back out. I sit on the porch swing and sip my lemonade. I watch my horse, the ranch, the hands, Sam working his cows, I watch the birds fly by, and for the first time in a long time I am perfectly happy and content.

I put on some nice jeans and a white shirt.
When we had finished cleaning all the dishes after dinner tonight, Sam told me to go to my cabin and change into something nice. He wants to take me in to town.
I put my necklace on. When I came here from the hospital, I had only the clothes I had been wearing when Sam found me. They gave them back to me along with a necklace I had been wearing. It is a silver heart with golden wings. It’s not much, but when I wear it I feel like I have a connection to my old life. When I got to this cabin, Sam had a closet full of clothes for me. I don’t know where they are from, and every time I ask Sam quickly changes the subject.
Now I take my hair out of its ponytail. I run my hands through it a couple times, then put my hat on.
As I check myself in the mirror one more time, I hear a knock on the door.
I open the door, and there stands Sam, wearing a neatly tucked blue plaid shirt, clean blue jeans, and as he removes his hat I can see that his hair is slicked back. We smile, our eyes gleaming.
He bows, and then offers me his arm. I take it, and he places his hat back on his head as we walk down the hill together.
When we reach his truck, he opens my door and helps me get in, then gets into the driver’s side and pulls out.
I ask him where we are going, but all he says is that it’s a surprise and he doesn’t want to spoil it for me.
I squirm in my seat, impatient to find out where we are headed.
Finally, Sam bursts out laughing his deep, loud, wonderful laugh.
“Settle down Tay! We still have a long drive ahead of us. Relax and enjoy it!”
I sigh. Sam turns on the radio to our favorite station, and begins to sing. His voice reminds me of the bird that used to sit outside my window. After a while, it built a nest there. I loved watching that bird and its babies, day after day after day. After a while, I’ve forgotten about where we are going, and I begin to harmonize with him. We laugh and smile and sing together, and suddenly Sam stops the car.
“We’re here!” He announces. I look out the window at the town, and we are outside a building covered in neon lights that say “Stage 10 Cinema”.
Suddenly Sam’s face appeared outside my window, and I laughed.
He opens the door and offers me his hand. I take it and he helps me down.
We walk in together, and he asks for two tickets to Seabiscuit. That name seems so familiar, but I can’t remember where I’ve heard it.
He gets us some popcorn and a soda, then we walk into the theatre.
We take our seats just as the movie starts. Horses begin to dance across the screen, and we become entirely absorbed in it. It is about a racehorse and the people surrounding him. The first racing scene comes on, and I begin to have flash backs, visions from my past, flashing past me. Of horses running, the beautiful silks of the jockeys whipping in the wind. For just an instant, I can see Sky, running in the middle of the pack, jockey whipping him hard, urging him forward as he falls back, blue and yellow silks flying. But as soon as its there, it’s gone. And I wonder, was it just a figment of my imagination? Or was it really a memory from my past? Could this amazing and sweet tempered horse that carried me so gently today ever have possibly been in a place like that? Or acted like that? The more of the movie I watch, the more I become convinced these are real memories and not just figments of my imagination. Every scene at the track, even on the backside, brought back new memories and images. Sam realized how distant I was becoming, and looked at me with worry in his eyes. “Tay, are you all right?” he whispered.
“I think I remember something.” I whispered back.
His eyes grew wide, and then he smiled a big, white, giddy smile. I give him one back, and he reaches over and squeezes my hand as I set my head on his shoulder. We finish watching the movie. It was great fun, and as we walk out I tell Sam about what I remembered.
He’s as stunned as I am that Sky ever could have been like that.
We talk the whole drive home about it, and Sam says that there are a couple small bush tracks here, and we will add them to our search.
I look into his eyes, and he looks into mine, and we hold the connection. I’ve never felt so close to anything, other than my horse. Before we pull in, I ask him what made him bring me to that movie. “I’ve seen how your face lights up when you watch the horses run Tay, and your face when we cantered today…you just can’t help yourself. You love speed, and thrill, and horses. And what better way to combine those is there than race horses?”
I laughed and realized how right he was. I love the speed, the beauty, the power, the wind kissing my cheeks… There is nothing like it.

There. That was the last shirt for our journey. Since we are going partly by horseback, we are bringing as little as we can get by on.
I have but one small bag with 5 pairs of clothes in it, along with some soap, toothpaste, and a toothbrush.
Catherine has packed us food for 4 days, and we will both bring a sleeping bag.
Sam has 2 small tents that they use when on cattle drives that we shall use.
All but my bag has been thrown into thee bed of the truck, along with all of our tack. In the truck, we each have a larger suitcase. That way, when we come back to the truck from our rides we can switch out the clothes we bring. Every couple days we will load the horses back up and drive to our next search area, getting any needed supplies along the way.
 Sam’s family is fixing a big lunch party to send us off.
I still can’t believe how accepting every one has been of me. They treat me as though I’m Sam’s little sister! I’m so grateful for a family, even though it’s not my own.
I grab my bag, and it’s lighter than I thought. I smile, and walk out the door. I have Sky tethered to the fence around my garden, and my smile grows when I see him watching me patiently. I stand for a moment on the porch and look around, wondering if I’ll ever see this place again. I close my eyes, and take a deep breath. The thoughts of who I was before try to cloud my view once again, awful thoughts of an awful person that I could have been. But I look again at Sky, and he pushes them all away, makes them disappear. I look at his majestic build-his powerful haunches, his couch-like back, his enormous chest, his regal neck, his huge ears, his enchanting eyes, his beautiful face, his velvety nose. Just the sight of him reassures me.
Tired of waiting, he stamps his hoof and nickers to me, as though to say, “let’s go already!”
I laugh and walk over to him. He noses my shoulder, then sniffs at my pack looking for carrots. Again I laugh, and as I do I wrap my arms around his neck in a hug. He wraps his neck around me as far as he can, so that his nose is on my chest…quite the feat for such a large horse. He blows into my hand, and I release my hug. He blows down my neck, and I pat his head. He nudges my hand again, and he is just so cute I can’t help but cradle his head in my arms for a moment. Finally I release him again, kiss him on the side of his nose, where it is the softest. I smile again, then realize that I have to get going or I’ll be late. I take my pack off my shoulder and attach it to the front of my saddle the way Sam showed me. Then I unhitch Sky’s reigns and put them at his shoulder in my left hand. While still holding the reigns, I grab the saddle horn with that hand, put my left boot in the stirrup, and swing up with ease. Sky’s ears flick back at me, and I feel him gather himself beneath me as he awaits my cue. “Easy there Sky. Lets take it easy today, boy. Easy, easy. Your alright.” He relaxes a little, and I ask him to walk forward. He sighs, and we walk down the hill. After the terrain levels out a bit, I allow him to trot. I revel in his smooth, even strides beneath me. To soon, we reach the back of the ranch house and I rein him back down to a walk. We go around to the front, where Cowboy is hitched on the side of the trailer. Sam walks out of the house with his bag as I dismount and tie Sky beside his horse. He smiles at me, and I smile back under Sky’s neck. He walks over and begins to untack Cowboy, as I do the same with Sky. The tack that Sam gave me is beautiful. Light brown in color, with silver edging and a floral design etched into the leather of the saddle. The bridle is of the same color and design. I always wonder at it when I look at it. It seams to have been custom made, but not for me. Its been used many times. I always wonder where it came from, but no one will answer my question. They always change the subject as soon as I bring it up.
We carefully place the tack in the bed of Sam’s truck, nestled between the bales of hay and bags of grain. When we are sure it’s safely stored, we put the cover over the truck bed. I suggest that we turn the horses out together in the round pen while we eat, since they won’t be able to run loose for a while and they are both easy loaders.
Sam agrees, so we lead them over. He walks ahead and opens the gate, unclipping Cowboy’s lead as he gets midway to the other side. I walk in behind and do the same, and we laugh as they both take off around the ring, kicking up their heals in play.
We leave them to their fun and walk back to the house, arms across each other’s shoulders and smiling the whole way.
When we reached the house, Sam opened the door for me and walked in behind me.
All his family and the ranch hands were there, ready to wish us off.
Catherine has made a light lunch of fruit salad, regular salad, and chicken wraps. It looks delicious! We all laugh and talk about our journey as we eat. As we get up from the table and everyone gathers around us, hugging us and wishing us good luck, I am once again amazed at how much they seam to really care. It’s not even just for Sam’s sake. They all truly seam to want me to be happy. I feel tears pricking my eyes, but I blink them away. Whether I come back here again or not, if I’m successful or not, I will always be grateful to them. After saying good-bye one last time, Sam, Catherine and I went out to the truck. Sam helped me in, and walked around to get in. As he was climbing in, Catherine grabbed his arm and pulled him back down. He turned and looked at her, and she wrapped him in a hug. He hugged her back, and as they pulled away, I could have sworn I saw her slip a piece of paper into his hand. He said good bye one more time, then climbed in. Catherine looked ready to cry, but she pasted on a smile and waved until we couldn’t see her anymore. Our plan was to drive over to the far end of the property where Sam had found me. We hoped that it would spark some memories as to how I got there, and possibly lead us back to where I’d come from. If that didn’t work, we would drive out to the different tracks around here. After that, we will decide what to do. Sam has found a place to keep the horses just about everywhere we will go, and for the places that he couldn’t we have a rope coral to put them in overnight.

As we drive down the road, I turn on the radio. Before long, we are singing, laughing, telling jokes, enjoying being together. I was at the very tip of his property when he found me, and all the roads are narrow and winding so it’s a bit of a drive. When we got close, we hopped out and got on the horses. It would be faster to drive, but since I must have been riding when I came through, this could help jog any memories.
As we get closer, I can feel Sky tensing beneath me. He must remember this place, even if I don’t. What could have happened here to spook him so badly?
Finally, Sam tells me to walk 10 more steps and I’ll be right there. He stops, for I was alone when it happened. As I walk forward, Sky gets more and more agitated. Suddenly, something hits me. In a flash I see a man, hide, sky, dirt, dark. It is so fast, I can’t distinguish anything. It’s so fast, so sudden, it nearly knocks me off my horse. I gasp, and Sky leaps. His eyes are wide, nostrils flared. He is so tight beneath me that I feel like I’m on a lit stick of dynamite. “Easy, easy, whoa there boy, your alright. Nothing to worry about!!” I say as I pat his neck. He calms slightly, but he still feels wound up beneath me. Continuing to pat him and talk to him, I close my eyes for a moment. Again, I see a man, the hide, the sky, the dirt, and dark.
What could it be?
I open my eyes, and notice Sky watching one bush very closely. I call Sam over, knowing I will get no further on my own. I ask him to hold Sky, then hop off. I walk over to the bush, which is more like a tree in height. I look closely all around it, wondering what it has to do with anything. As I walk back around to rejoin Sam, I see something from the corner of my eye. I turn, and it is a small swathe of gray fabric. I grab it from the bush and bring it back to where Sam is standing with the horses. I mount up, and as we walk back to the truck I tell Sam everything, from the vision, to Sky’s reactions, to the fabric. We are both puzzled by how, or if this even has anything to do with me. The fabric could have gotten there in many different ways, and it’s been two and a half years since I was last here. Anything could have happened. But could it just be coincidence?
We both sit quietly on our horses, thinking through possibilities as we walk back. I look at Sam for a moment, and suddenly, he jerks to a stop and says, “I’ve got it!” I stop Sky, and eagerly look back at him. “On the way to the hospital, I had my radio on. It wasn’t very loud, but as I was pulling out I remember hearing a news report about an escaped convict being chased through this area. It didn’t mean anything to me then, and I can’t believe I remember it. But the prison isn’t to terribly far from here. What if he had run and was hiding in that bush, and when he heard you he got scared and ran, ripping this from his shirt and spooking Sky? Who knows, he could have even shouted at you to get away or something. And as good as Sky is, no horse can stand still when something, especially something big like a human, appears out of no-where right under their nose. It’s a long-shot, but I wonder…”
“Hmmm. You could be right Sam. That sounds familiar. But I don’t know. It sure would have had to be a lot of coincidences all at once. But stranger things have happened.”

By this time, we are at the trailer again. We dismount and untack once again, and let the horses graze as we brush them off. I give Sky extra attention, making sure that he’s okay after the nerve-racking ride we had. He seams to be himself now, nudging me and playing with my ponytail.
I smile, and we load the horses up again.
“Where too?” Sam asks. “Dinner sounds great right about now…” I replied.
He laughs, and heads to town.
We are both silent as Sam drives us to town, I mulling over the events of the day, and him seaming rather distant thinking about something else. I occasionally ask him a question, but he either doesn’t hear me or asks me to repeat the question. Finally, I give up. What ever he’s brooding over must be important. We are nearing the town. Buildings begin to pass us by, until we are in the middle of it. Sam pulls into a parking lot, and then comes and opens my door to help me down. We hay the horses, then walk across the street to a place called “Laura’s”. “They have the BEST chocolate malts here. And the fries are pretty good too.” Sam says. I laugh, and we walk in.
We waited for a moment, then the waitress shows us to our table. Sam orders a hamburger, fries and a malt, and I the same. We ate and talked over our ride today once again. I still felt like Sam was distant, but he wasn’t as far gone as before.

When we are finished, Sam pays the bill and we return to the truck. It is still light out, so we decide to drive to the first track. It isn’t to terribly far, and we can make it there in time to get the horses settled in and ourselves checked into the hotel down the road. Sam has a friend, who has a friend that trains here. We had called ahead, and the trainer has a small pen open that we can use for the night.
The drive is beautiful, and as I think I watch the scenery fly by. The trees, the fields, the flowers, the suns last gleam painting shades of orange and red on it all. I can’t believe the beauty that I see. How can anyone overlook this? Take it for granted?
I point an especially beautiful valley to Sam, but he is still so distant. I just can’t figure out what is bothering him. But I know that if I try to ask, he will just change the subject. I wish he would open up to me more. He has helped me so much; I wish he would tell me what’s bothering him. At least then I would have a chance to help him!
Finally, I give it up and silence surrounds us like a cloud. The sun sinks further and further below the horizon until all that is left is a faint glimmer of what had been, and before long even that is gone, leaving the land in a shroud of darkness. After a long while, or so it seamed, I turn on the radio and surf the stations until I find a good one. This at least covers some of the awkward silence between us.
After what seams like forever, we reach the track. When we pull up to the gate at the back of the truck, the security guard asks our business, so Sam tells him that we are a friend of George Wilcrows. He tells us to wait a moment and goes to the security booth to make a call. A moment later, he returns and says we are clear, gives us a backside pass, then tells us how to find the barn.
Sam thanks him, and we pull away.

A few minutes later, we spot the shed row. Sam parks the truck and we hop out. A man walks out, and introduces himself as Dan, the foreman. He shows us to the pen, which is more like a small round pen. We then unload Sky and Cowboy and lead them in. They walk around, stretching their legs and checking out their home for the night, as we get a couple flakes of hay, grain for both horses, a small feed bin each to put it in, and a water bucket for both horses. After we toss in the hay, put the grain out, and hang the buckets, Dan shows us to the water spigot. We grab a third bucket from the covered truck bed and use it to fill the others in the pen. We give our horses one last pat as we check them one more time, then Dan says that if we want we can drive up to the front of the barn and drop the trailer there for the night. We thank him and do as he suggests. I help Sam unhitch everything, then we pull out and head to the hotel.
When we arrive, we park the truck, grab the bag of food and a change of clothes, and enter the hotel. We walk into the clean lobby, and Sam asks for two small rooms for the night. He pays the lady, and she gives him the keys. We are on the second floor, and situated across the hall from each other. We take the stairs up, and as we walk Sam hands me my key. When we’ve reached the rooms, situated mid-way down the hall, we say goodnight and separate. I change clothes and wash up a bit, then collapse into bed. I fall asleep before I can even pull the covers over myself.

When I awake, there is just a hint of light coming through my window. I get up and dressed, do my hair, brush my teeth, then throw everything back into my bag. I head downstairs, then sit in the lobby. I grab the book I brought with me, “Teardrops in the Sea” and begin to read. Before long, I’m flown away to the land by the sea, living the life of a girl recovering from her parents divorce and living with her Grandma. I am so absorbed by my book that when Sam comes down in a little while I don’t notice, or even hear him calling me. Not until he comes and touches my arm do I finally snap back to the real world. I look up, and there stands Sam, chuckling softly, eyes dancing with his laughter. I laugh too, then stand. I put my book back into my bag, then we walk to the desk together to check out. When we are done, we walk out to the truck, pack up, and pull out. Sam seams to be more himself today. I wonder if he was just missing his family?
We talk about our plan to see the track today, and by the time we reach the gates we have a plan.

We show them our passes, then head over to the barn. Every thing seams to be moving in the hustle of the morning workouts. Horses being walked around the isle, being tacked up in their stalls, prancing as they are ponied to the track for a run, grooms yelling to each other down the isle. We grab hay, the bucket, and the grain again and walk down to the pen. Cowboy acts cool and calm, but Sky is racing around like he thinks its time to run. Worried for his safety I quickly enter and walk to his side. When he sees me, he calms slightly, but he’s still wound up like a spring. I walk him over towards his bucket where Sam is waiting with a lead rope and a brush for me. I tie Sky to the rail and brush him, patting him all over as I go.

After a while, he calms down. I walk over to his face and give him a kiss, then pat him a couple more times. After that, I untie him and give him his hay and grain. The first thing we do is walk to the rail of the track. It is covered in a blanket of mist, so that we can just make out the horses that are everywhere, some walking, prancing, trotting down the outside rail, others flying down the inside. Thumping, thumping, thumping, pounding, pounding, pounding, flying from out of the mist. Every time a form appears, it sends shivers down my spine. It begins with a distant thundering, coming closer. Soon, you hear the snorting, snorting, snorting mixed with the thundering hooves.

Suddenly, a dark form appears in the mist, and it gets closer and clearer and louder until suddenly the whip past you in a gust of wind, then disappear once more into the mist. Again, I see my horse doing this, running, pounding, flying, vanishing. Maybe, maybe I will find something in this place. Something somewhat familiar. The mist begins to lift, and soon after it disappears, the horses begin to as well. Sam and I turn away from the rail, then go to see the trainer friend. We want to see if we can ride our horses here. It will be faster then walking, but more thorough than driving.

As we reach the isle, Dan meets us again. “How goes the search?” he asks. “Well, we haven’t done much looking yet. Tay here couldn’t resist watching the horses work.” Sam replies. They continued on for a while, occasionally asking me questions. Eventually Sam asks about our riding, and Dan says that of course it will be okay. He then turns to me and says, “That’s a fine thoroughbred you’ve got there. Looks like he coulda been a racer! Who’s he out of?”
“I don’t know. I’m lucky just to remember his name. I don’t even know where I got him. That’s why we’re here.”
“Well, you know, you can look up the lip tattoo that racers have. If he has one, he’s in the Jockey Club and they’ll have all his records.”
“Really? How would I find it?” He told me to follow him into one of the stalls. He pats the horse on the shoulder, and slowly works his way up to its head. Then he holds the halter as he lifts the horse’s upper lip.
“You see these numbers here?” I looked, and there was a short series of numbers and letters under the horses lip! “Yes!” “Okay. What you gotta do is look under your horses lip. If he has a tattoo, right it down and then call the Jockey’s Club. You can get the number at the horseman’s office behind the cafeteria. You call them and ask for this horses information. They’ll have all recorded sales, breeding information, and running record.”
“Thanks Dan! I didn’t know that!”
“Of course!” He smiled, and then walked over to a groom who had been waiting for him outside the stall. Sam had been watching, and he joined me as I left the stall. We walked back to the truck and grabbed our tack, then went to the pen.

We sling our saddles over the rails, and hang our bridles on the saddle horns.
Sam calls Cowboy over, and Sky is already at my side. He still seams a bit tense, but not nearly as much as before. We tie them near our saddles and brush them off. I love the feel of Sky’s silky fur beneath my hand, and he stands quietly for me, enjoying every second. When I’m done, I walk to his head, and he sets it on my chest. He looks at me with those beautiful, enchanting eyes, those cute, brown, wonderful eyes, and my heart melts. I hug his face, then kiss his nose. After holding him a moment more, I walk over and pull the saddle pad from beneath my saddle. I set it on Sky’s back, slightly forward, then slide it in to place. I straighten it out, then smooth the wrinkles from it. I heft my saddle from the fence and set it lightly over Sky’s back, making it more like I’m giving him a hug then putting on the saddle. I flip the cinch down his other side, then reach under his belly and grab it. I bring it up tight, untwisting it as I do so. I bring down the latigo strap and pull it through the ring of the cinch, then up through the ring on the saddle. I do this a couple times, and then tie it off at the top, making sure it’s nice and tight.

Next, I grab the bridle. I flip the split reigns around his neck, then unclip his lead rope from his halter. I put the bridle over my left shoulder, and with that hand I slip the halter off, and as I do I place my right hand over his nose. I let the halter fall, and slide the bridle on. I pause a moment with the bit in front of his mouth, and he opens for it. I put the headstall over his ears and hook up the throatlatch, and we are ready to go.
I look at Sam, and he is just finishing as well. We smile at each other, then swing up. Sam takes the lead, and when we reach the gate he leans down, unlatches it, then backs Cowboy up to hold it open for me. Dan sees us coming out and shouts “You can leave it open!” I halt and let Sam get in front again, and we’re off!
We walk through the backside, up and down the barn isles, between shed rows, covering every inch of the place. While it’s lots of fun, riding on the backside with Sam at my side, but I don’t have a single flash, phantom, ghost, nothing. Other than seeing Sky as a working racehorse, I have seen nothing. Finally, when we are sure we’ve covered everything but the cafeteria and horseman’s office down the lane, we call it quits. We begin to ride down the lane, and there is a short flat stretch clear of any obstacles. I look at Sam, and he nods. We both cluck and leg our horses up to a rolling canter, smiling with glee. The horses stretch for ground beneath us, feeling the freedom that we share.

To soon, we have to pull up as we reach the cafeteria. We halt and slide off our horses, then hitch them to a post outside. We enter into a small little cafeteria type building and approach the counter.
We look at the old menu board above the cash register, and at the same moment say, “I’ll take a hot dog with fries, please.”
We look at each other awkwardly for a moment, then burst out laughing. The cashier laughs along, then goes to get our order. We both grab a soda bottle from the fridge by the counter while we wait. When she returns, we pay her and walk back out to the horses. We sit on a little bench beside them while we eat, and when we are done we place the half empty soda bottles into our saddlebags and mount up. We ride a little further up the lane and see a little building that we assume is the horseman’s office. We walk up and find a telephone pole outside to tether the horses to. We dismount once again and walk inside. A young lady meets us at the counter and asks if she can help us. We tell her that we need the Jockey Club’s phone number, and she disappears into the back.
We look around while we wait, and after a moment she returns with a pamphlet. “Here you go. The number is on the back.” She says.
We thank her and walk back out. We look up and the sight that meets our eyes out front sends us into a fit of laughter. Sky and Cowboy have loosened their reigns enough that they could reach down each other’s necks and scratch their withers. It is so funny and cute; I wish I had a camera with me. After laughing another moment, we walk over and untie them. Sky nudges me, and I pat his forehead.

Then we mount up and ride back to the pen. We hop off, then begin to untack, tie, and groom the horses. When that is done, Sam places the tack in the truck again, and comes back with a pad and pen. I left Sky’s lip gently, and though he looks at me as though to say, “Um, we would be doing this because?, he doesn’t fight me. I read off the number, and Sam writes it down. When we have it all, I release Sky to take a couple more laps around the pen with Cowboy and go help Sam hook the trailer up. I direct him as he backs the truck up, and then help him drop the hitch down. We back it up to the pen, then catch the horses. We load them up and fill the hay bags, then get back into the truck. We yell thanks to Dan one more time, then head off. We aren’t sure where we want to go next, so we get on the road to head to the next track on our list. We turn the radio on and sing along to the songs we know, laughing when we forget the words. I slowly begin to drift away, and the last thing I remember is resting my head on the glass of the window.

It’s been a week. We’ve visited all but one of the tracks, and nothing. At the last one we did have a trainer say that Sky looked familiar, but that was it. Nothing. We have followed the same routine at each track, watching the morning works then riding over every inch, looking into every nook and cranny. Sky has begun to calm a bit, but he still goes a little crazy if I’m not with him in the morning. We looked up Sky’s tattoo, but the last recorded owner passed away a year ago after having a heart attack. He hadn’t raced in 3 years even at that time, so they thought he had probably been given away to a rehab facility for retraining. “It happens all the time”, they said.
Sky had been a pretty typical racehorse for the first 2 or 3 years of racing, but the last 2 years of his career he hadn’t done very well. His sire, or dad, was a famous racehorse by the name of Sky High Flyin, and his dam, or mother, was a slightly above average racehorse named Dreamin Big. Now we know where Sky High Dreamin came from, at least. Unfortunately, all this information is useless to me, with no hints as to where I’m from.

But we still haven’t given up. If this last track brings nothing back, we will begin our search of the land. I am hoping to find something here, maybe even a small thought trail to lead us somewhere. Sam has been himself the last couple days, but I still feel like he’s holding something back.
“Sam, what’s wrong? Please answer my question.” I say.
“Tay, it’s nothing. I’m just tired, that’s all.” “Don’t give me that Sam! You’ve done so much for me, let me help you!” “Tay…” “Don’t ‘Tay’ me! Tell me what’s wrong!” “Tay! I’m fine! Ok? Look at me! Look at me. I’m fine.” I look him in the eye, and give up. Maybe he is just tired. It’s so hard to tell with him!
We pull into the parking lot at the backside of the track, and I let it go.
We hop out, and having called ahead and gotten permission to ride, we tack up and head out. When we have searched everywhere to no avail, we begin to head back to the truck. This is the biggest of the tracks, and it’s getting dark. To get back to the truck we have to walk by the entrance to the small training track. When we are nearly past it, something kicks in. I don’t know why, but I begin to lead Sky onto the track. Sam is ahead of me and doesn’t notice. I find myself trotting down the track, and then we turn. We stop for a moment, and I crouch low and forward, then whisper into Sky’s ear, like I had done it a million times before, “Let’s Fly!”

Sky shoots forward under me like a missile, and I nearly fall off. I shove myself forward, determined to stay on, and when I get back into position, I begin to relax into the motion of the horse. It is so amazing! We are flying, free of any constraint. Fully together, yet separate, completely one, yet two separate beings. We are flying, faster, faster, faster. Suddenly, I am not at the track but on a trail. It is raining, pouring, beating me, battering me. There is a wind so fierce, so strong, so wicked, it nearly pulls me off my horse. I am panicked; I don’t know where I am or where any cover is. I must get out of here. Sky picks up on my fear, and now there’s no stopping him, no control, nothing but fear, and rain, and light, and dark, and growling, and silence, and nothingness.

Out of nowhere a man in grey appears, he holds a knife and wears a crazed expression. Sky tries to stop, but he is going to fast and the ground is slick from the rain. He slows just slightly, but now the man is upon us. Sky screams, then rears up. But the wind is to strong and he begins to fall back I cling to his neck, trying to push him forward but now it’s to late. We are falling, falling, falling,
“TAY!!!!!” It disappears and as suddenly as it vanished, it was back, I was still on Sky, but we are on the track again, with Sam racing behind us trying to catch me. I realize with horror that I Sky thinks he is racing, and is continuing to build speed…but I am beginning to lock up. With the last bit of control I have, I lean back and saw on the reigns, trying to slow Sky down. He falters and I am thrown partly over his shoulder. I cannot control my legs or back, but with all I have I hang on to his neck. Sky slows now, realizing this is no longer a race. He struggles to keep his balance, and I close my eyes, getting ready for him to come down on top of me. Then I hear a second horse’s snort, and I open my eyes. Sam is right beside us, reaching down, down, down, grabbing my arm from Sky’s neck just as I begin to loose my grip. He jerks me up and lays me across his saddle in front of him and holds me there with one hand. Tears are streaming down my face. I begin to loose it all, I cannot move, I cannot breath, I cannot feel, I cannot see, I cannot think………..

My eyes begin to focus. I am on a cot somewhere. There, now I see Sam. He is sitting beside me. His hat is in one hand, and with the other, he is squishing his eyes, like you would if you were in distress, or even just very tired. I look closer, and his cheeks are stained with the trails of tears. I look around, and we must be in someone’s tack room. I look back to Sam, who hasn’t moved. I reach over and place my hand on his, the one he’s holding his hat in, and say “Sam”. Instantly he drops the hat and looks at me. Seeing I am awake again he throws him self over me and starts crying again, saying things like, “I thought I lost you Tay!” and “Don’t you ever do that to me again. I couldn’t stand to loose you too.” “I’m okay Sam, it’s okay calm down. I’m fine, see?” He stops talking and looks at me as I sit up and swing my legs over the side of the bed. He calms down and wipes the tears away and I smile at him, reassuring him that I’m fine.
“What happened Sam? The last thing I remember is hanging over your saddle and…SKY! Where’s Sky is he okay? Did he get hurt? Did anyone catch him?” “Calm down Tay! He’s fine. He stayed right with me. He was worried about you. He’s a little sore from running so hard, but he’s fine. I called for help and this trainer, Marty, heard me and helped you down from my saddle and offered his tack room for us. The Doc said you passed out from lack of oxygen. He said you could come to in a couple hours or a couple days; there was no way to tell. Sam, you scared me to death! Why did you do that?”
“I don’t know Sam. One second I was following you to the truck, the next I was galloping Sky down the track and… Sam! I remember what happened!”
“What? What do you mean? What happened where?”
“My accident! I remember what happened! We were riding by your property in a storm, a bad one, and Sky and I were panicked and we couldn’t see and the wind and rain were whipping us around and I lost control of Sky and a man in grey appeared out of no-where with a knife and he hurt Sky with it and Sky reared up and…and…nothing.”
“Tay, I don’t know what to say. That explains everything we found. And why Sky was acting up. But, will it help us?”
“I don’t know.” The truth was, it wouldn’t. But I had finally remembered this, and maybe it would bring more memories. I realize that we need to go back. We need to go back to the ranch, back to that place. I just know that is we go back, I’ll find something, remember more, and maybe I’ll be able to find my way home. But something about this memory is bothering me. I love storms, and rain, even if I am stuck in them. And though this was a bad one, I just don’t think I would have been that scared if it was just the storm. What could have possibly had me running that hard in the middle of a storm?

Sam calls my attention back to the now, and says that if I’m strong enough to walk we need to go. I tell him what I’m thinking, and he agrees that it is probably the best thing to do. And even if it doesn’t bare any fruit, it’s better than driving around without any idea where we are going, or when we’ll get there.
He helps me up, and I nearly fall down. He catches me, and I lean on him on the way back to the truck. I didn’t realize how drained I am!
He lifts me into the car gently, carefully, as though I’m a piece of glass.
He climbs in on his side, and looks at me.
“Tay, if you want to go back to the ranch, no one would blame you. Even if you just want to go for a couple days to rest up.”
“No, really Sam I’m fine. I want to keep going. Yea, today was scary. But so were those years in Weathervane.” I shuddered. Even just the name makes me want to go mad. “We have to keep going. We’ve come so far, and I’m already starting to remember little bits and pieces. We can’t go back.” 
Sam nods his head and starts the truck. “Somehow, I just knew you would say that. And off we go!”
Sam drives through the night. I drift in and out of sleep. When I sleep, all I can see are mixed memories, of birds, of horses, of storms. When I wake up, I am so confused it takes a minute for me to figure out where we are. But Sam is always right there, and every time I wake up, he reaches over and holds my hand, maybe sings along softly to the radio. He is always strong, never flickering, never falling. He’s been there through thick and thin. The only time I’ve ever seen him scared was when I was in trouble, and even then he stayed strong for me.
He’s solid as a rock. But something still seems to trouble him.
After one especially bad dream, I can’t get back to sleep. I sit up a little taller and look around. Morning is approaching. There is just a hint, a faint and distant glimmer coming over the hills. Sam is very quiet, as is everything else around us. Even the horses in the trailer are still. Other then the slight hint of music coming from the radio, it is silent.
I look at Sam, watch him. Finally, I ask him, “Sam, what’s bothering you? And don’t push me aside this time. When I first met you at the hospital, you seemed to know exactly what I wanted, what I needed. Even now, you seem to know. Back when I woke up, what did you mean you ‘couldn’t bare to loose me too’? And what was the slip of paper Catherine handed you? Please tell me.”
He looks at me, and attempts to smile, but it becomes more of an awkward grimace, and then disappears all together.
“You really want to know, don’t you? You really care about it?”  I nod and fix my eyes on him. We pull over to the side of the road.
He sighs, a deep, sad, mournful sigh. “I used to have a sister. She was about your age.” At this, he nearly breaks down, a single tear falling from his eye. Oh no. Used to? What happened? This can’t be good.
“Her name was Sarah. She and I were”, here he clears his throat, then continues: “We were very close. About as close as two siblings can be.” He takes frequent pauses in his speech, trying to hold himself together. “Four years ago last week, she was diagnosed with brain cancer. She had nearly constant headaches, she felt sick all the time, it became hard, and eventually impossible, for her to walk or talk. For a year and a half she fought it, and I stayed with her the whole time. She was, other than the occasional weekend visit home, living at the hospital. I slept in a chair in her hospital room; I made sure I was always there for her. I was there with her through it all, from the first diagnosis, to the chemo, everything. When her hair began to fall out, it was my shoulder she cried into. But she was almost always smiling. She never let it get her down.
She knew that God would heal her, and what she didn’t tell me, the only secret she ever kept, was that even if he didn’t, she was ready to ‘go home’. That’s how she put it that last night. She was finally starting to get better, at least it seemed so. But then one day, after the doctors ran some tests, they found that it was much worse than they thought.  They said that, without a miracle, there was absolutely no way she would live. They said that they would be surprised if she lasted more than a week or two. She told us it was all right, she said that she was ready, whether God healed her or not. I prayed and prayed, begging to God I’d always thought was there to heal her. I needed her. She was my best friend. The next day, she looked over at me and tried to speak, but no sound would come. I told her it was ok, that God was going to save her. She looked at me, and to this day that look haunts me. It was as though she was saying, ‘Oh Sam, I wish you could understand. I hope someday, maybe you will.’ I never found out what she meant.
A week later, I was asleep with my head on her bed. I woke up to her light touch, and thought for sure she was better and wanted to go home. But when I looked up, her face was white, almost as pale as the pillow behind her. She looked more like a ghost than a human. I grabbed her hand, and held it tight. She looked at me, and the weirdest expression came over her face. Then she smiled, and whispered to me, ‘I’m going home’. I yelled, I screamed, I begged her not to leave, but she was gone. I cried over her for hours. I couldn’t, and still can’t believe she’s gone. Family came and went, but I stayed there, at her side. I kept hoping, praying God would bring her back.
Maybe, maybe he was just letting her heal in His arms, maybe he was restoring her, and he would give her back to me. But He never did. I turned on Him, furious. He took away the only person I’d ever loved, ever been close to. I can never forgive him, if he even exists. How could he have taken her life? Hers?! She never did a thing wrong in her life. I would have gladly taken her place. But he took her, when he had the power to leave her here with me.” At this, Sam hit the steering wheel with his fist and finally let the tears loose. I cried with him, feeling his pain as my own.
When he had calmed down, he looked at me.
“Tay, everyone thinks it was me that saved you that day. But it was you who saved me. I’d had enough of this world, where innocent people suffer and die for no good reason. I told everyone that I was checking the fence, but truly, I had a rifle. I was planning on driving out somewhere beautiful, untouched by man, the way it’s supposed to be and… well, I won’t spell it out. But on my way out, I saw your tie-dye shirt and it stopped me dead. I just knew that it was Sarah, resting on her way back to me. I ran over to you, and though you weren’t Sarah, I couldn’t leave you there. You needed help, and I was the only one that could give it to you. I figured I could give myself a little longer, if it meant saving you. When I lifted you, you were so limp, but I could feel you breathing, I could feel the little life you had left in you. You reminded me of my sister. It was an hour and a half drive from there to the hospital, and, though I didn’t want to admit it at the time, you were beautiful. Even under the mud and dirt, you were beautiful. You reminded me so much of Sarah. I knew then and there that I couldn’t leave you to the doctors who had let me down. I decided that if you lived, I lived. And I would help you with all the breath I had left. What I couldn’t do for Sarah, by gosh I was gonna do for you.”
As he spoke, my eyes filled yet again. I cried and cried. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “You always say that you wish you could repay me, somehow, someway. But Tay, you already have. You saved my life, and gave me something to live for again.”
I looked at him through my tears, and hugged him as hard as I could. He hugged me back, and we stayed like that for a long time, taking comfort in each other. When we had finished, our smiles had reappeared, and we began to sing to the radio. It is over, and now I know. I feel so much closer now, and as I think about it, I realize where all the clothes came from, all the tack, the cabin, everything. Now I understand everyone’s love towards me, their acceptance, their caring. And Sam, oh, Sam. Things will be different between us now. No more secrets.

We are nearing the ranch. We stopped a couple times to let the horses stretch their legs, drink some water, and refill their hay bags.
The closer we get, the more convinced I am that I will remember more when we get there.
It seems like all Sam needed was to let his secret out. It’s as though he had been holding his breath since it happened, and now that he’s told me he’s finally let out a sigh of relief and can breathe once more.
He’s loosened up. He isn’t as quiet as before. At first it was a little weird, but I’m starting to like it.
Here we are. Sam is parking the truck up on his property and we begin to unload. We have food and water enough for 5 days with us. We pack this in our saddlebags, along with some grain for the horses, the tents, the rope corral, and clothes. We split it evenly between the horses as we tack up, and we head out. Sam takes the lead until I know where we are, and then he lets me pass him. Sky soon realizes where we are headed, and starts to act distressed. I talk to him and pat him with my free hand, doing my best to keep him calm. I don’t like the look of the clouds above. They are dark and ominous, warning us of the weather to come. I pull my hat down tighter and ask Sky for a trot, then a canter when he’s loosened up. We had decided that when we got here, I would ride in the lead at a canter when we got close, to try to bring the memory back again. Sam follows me a couple strides behind, ready to take any action required. Sky starts to freak out once again, but I keep talking to him, petting his shoulder, and reassuring him as we go. The clouds can’t hold back any longer, and it begins to rain. It is just a light sprinkle, but it seems to be getting worse. I take a deep breath, trying to keep from getting scared myself. I egg Sky on a little faster, and suddenly I’m back. It’s slower this time, more controlled. Almost slow motion. I see it all, almost as though I’m watching from behind. I get to the spot in front of the tree, and stop Sky. Instead of disappearing like I thought it would, the vision pauses. It’s surreal.
I can see myself, desperate, clinging to Sky’s mane. I turn, and face the direction we had come from on that night. I remember riding, fleeing, running from something. I don’t know why, but I felt a great weight on my chest, a longing, mourning, gut wrenching sorrow. But for what? I didn’t understand it. I closed my eyes. The vision was gone, but the feeling stayed. I knew where I had to go. I opened my eyes, and rode in the direction I had come from, hoping to follow a trail of memories home, to the place I can’t remember but know I belong. The place where a family waits for me, never losing faith that I will return to them.

 

To be continued........