August Story Contest

Silent Tears - Part One
By: DTKLOVER
Age: 15

I open my eyes. I don’t know where I am, or why I’m even here. I can remember nothing. Who are these people? What is this place? What is going on?
I am in a small white room. There are no windows, and no markings of any kind. People in white and blue clothing surround me, and they are rushing around me, sticking me with needles, checking my pulse, poking and prodding me from every direction.
As my senses come to me, I realize that I can’t feel any of it. Then I realize I cannot move. I try to lift my arm, to ask what is happening, but nothing happens. I have no idea what is happening or who I am, or what I am doing here. One of the nurses sees I am awake, and calls over the doctor, obviously surprised. They tell me that I am in the ICU at Weathervane Hospital. He asks me if I know where that is. I stare at him, trying to answer “no”. But as I move my mouth, no sound comes. He asks again, and still no sound. He asks if I can tell him my name, and again I try to answer “no”, but still no sound. I feel something wet and warm fall from my eyes. At least I can feel that. It brings me some comfort, though very little.
I must figure out who I am, I must discover some way to communicate, I must… I must… I… Must…

I open my eyes again. I’m in a different room, this one has a window. I look at the light coming in, and it is so beautiful. You would never think that light, ordinary everyday light, would bring so much comfort or happiness to anyone. I am by myself. I am hooked up to a bunch of machines, and there is some sort of a tube in my throat. I still can’t move or feel.
I am suddenly struck by the reality of what is going on. Despair hits me like a ton of bricks. Here I am, in a place I don’t know, unable to move, unable to remember anything, not even my own name. No one knows who I am, and if anyone does, I don’t know them. I am alone. I have nothing.
A nurse walks in. I don’t know if I’ve seen her before or not. She sees that I am awake, and tells me that it has been 3 days since I was last conscious.
She says that they are trying to figure out who I am. She says that someone named Sam found me the day before that on a trail, completely unresponsive and more dead then alive. He then lifted me into his car and brought me here.
She told me that he had been by to check on me every day since then.
She told me that I had sustained multiple injuries, including a small skull fracture, a shattered shoulder, and a broken neck.
I was paralyzed, and needed tubes to breath and eat through.
She told me that she or one of the other nurses would be in to check on me every 5-10 minutes to check on me, and told me that if anyone asked me a question to blink once for yes or twice for no.
She asked me if I understood all that she had said, and I blinked “yes”.
She asked if I was warm enough, and again I blinked “yes”.
Then she left me alone again, with nothing but my window.
What was I supposed to do now? I was all alone, with no way to communicate, or do anything really. I realized once again that I had nothing, no one, and no way out of this nightmare.

After what seems like hours, the nurse comes back. She checks the readings on all the machines, adjusts my blankets, gives me a sympathetic look, and walks away. I scream “No! Don’t leave me alone again!” but, as usual, no sound comes, and she is gone.

It continues like this for a long time. I don’t know how long exactly, for there is no clock. The nurse’s change, but the routine remains the same. They come in, check me over, maybe ask if I am warm or cold, give me a sad look, and then leave me. After the third or forth time, I gave up hope that some sound would come out, I gave up hope that maybe somehow they would stay. I began to think, to try to remember something, anything, that might tell me who I am or where I’m from.
Every now and then, for a split second, it seemed as though I could see a face, hear a name, remember something from my past. But as quickly as these thoughts appeared, they would vanish, leaving me with nothing to hold on to.
I once saw a bird alight on the tree outside my window, and it stirred a memory. It was a useless memory, one of me straddling something and seeing a bird land in a tree in the middle of a field somewhere, but that was all. And though it comforted me that I had a memory, it could not help me figure out who I am.
The bird began to sing, and though the window was closed, I could just barely hear him. It was a beautiful song, and it lifted my spirits. The bird stayed a while, and for the first time since I awoke, I felt I had a friend. But all to soon it flew away, and I was left alone in the silence.
Not to long after, it began to grow dark, and as my little window to the world went black, my hopes left me.
I was all alone, without even the light to comfort me. I wished there was something to make some kind of noise, a radio, a clock, even someone’s heals clicking as they walked down the hallway would have comforted me, but there was none.
The only sound was my own heart beating, and the sound of air going through the tube in my throat. Even the machines made no sound as they kept my body from fading further.
Once again I felt the warm tears fall from my eyes, and though the feeling gave me comfort, there was no way for me to wipe them away, or stop them from coming. Soon after this, I slept-utterly exhausted and feeling hopeless.

When I awoke, light was coming through my window again. I looked around as far as I could, wondering how long it had been since I fell asleep.
A new nurse came in and went through the normal routine, but before she left she came and asked if it would be all right for Sam to come in and see me.
I thought about it for a moment, then blinked “yes”. She left, and a man walked in. He was tall, with blond hair and deep blue eyes. He wore blue jeans and a tucked in green and white plaid shirt. He had been wearing a cowboy hat when he came in, but took it off as he walked towards me.
He was very quiet.
He sat by my head, and held my hand. He didn’t say anything, but he was there. I don’t know how, but it was as if he knew what I was feeling, and knew that I just needed someone with me. After a little while, the nurse comes in and says that it is time for him to go.
He squeezes my hand, puts his hat on, and begins to walk away. But before he reaches the door, he turns and looks me in the eye. But this is not the same sympathetic look the nurses give me. This look is different. This look is full of hope. This look tells me not to give up hope, and that it will all get better soon. We hold each other’s eyes for a moment, and then he smiles, turns, and walks out the door. I listen to his boots clomp the tile as he walks down the hall, and somehow, I know I have a friend in him, a friend that will not give up on me no matter what.
Later that day, a nurse told me that Sam had been doing a lot of work trying to figure out who I am and where I came from.
He had a picture that they had taken of me, and he had made hundreds of copies of it.
He had made a poster asking, “Do you know this girl?” with my face below it, and had posted them all over town, in every shop window and on every lamppost. He had gone to every house personally and asked them.
The nurse said I might not see him for a while because he is going to the surrounding towns to hang posters there.
I could not believe the kindness of this complete stranger!
There are no words to describe what a great feeling it was to know that I was no longer alone in my search, to know that someone from the outside was trying to help.
I was filled with hope, and I just knew that, with his help, it would not be long before we figure out who I was.

My good mood continued for most of the day, and my window continued to shine for me, which made it even better. And just as I was nearing the razor’s edge between hope and hopelessness, my bird friend came back.
Again, he brought with him that memory. I was beginning to wonder if maybe it was more important than I thought.
My bird friend sang for me again. It was such a sweet, sweet sound.
The nurse walked in at that moment, and she saw the happiness that the bird and window were bringing me. She walked over slowly, so as not to startle the bird, and opened the window. His song filled the room. It was such a glorious noise! Then the nurse smiled, checked the machines, and walked away. The bird sang for a long time, then when it was done it stayed a while longer. I loved having its company.
It began to grow dark, and I realize that it must have been hours since the bird had come. As the sun went down, the bird began to get restless, and after one last little whistle it flew off. I spent the rest of the night alone, and unable to sleep for my excitement. I was sure that Sam would be back by this time tomorrow with information about me and who I was and where I’d come from. After one last smile, I finally drifted off to sleep.

I wake up. As my eyes begin to focus, I see that I am surrounded by people. My first thought is that maybe Sam has found my family already, and brought them back here. But as everything becomes clear, I see that this is not my family, but the doctor and a couple nurses.
They are debating about something in hushed tones. After a few minutes of this, I begin to have a sense of dread. What are they talking about?
Finally, one of the nurses sees that I am awake, and whispers to the doctor. Instantly they hush and he turns to me. He says that his name is Dr. Nordeman, and goes on to say many things, most of whish I cannot understand.
I listen carefully, and can finally derive some of his meaning. They are trying to decide whether or not to leave the tube that they feed me through in. If it stays in much longer, part of my digestive tract could die, making the tube permanent.
The problem is that they don’t think that I’m well enough to eat without it. They could try to take it out and see, but this causes other problems. Even if I am strong enough to eat on my own, I still have the other tube that is helping me breath. They could solve that by putting a tracheotomy tube in, but that could also end up being permanent. Not to mention the fact that I can’t feed myself.
But I would rather be fed by someone for a little while then have this tube stuck in my throat forever.

The nurses try to talk him out of it, but he turns to me and asks me, “do you want us to try to take it out?”
I think it over. After a moment or two, he repeats the question. I look at him and blink “yes”. I must get this tube out. I just can’t stand the thought of living with it forever.

Dr. Nordeman smiles, then turns and talks to the nurses again. After a few minutes, the nurses leave and he walks over to me once again.
He explains the procedure.
I wont be awake for it, they will knock me out first. Then they will do the surgery, which should take 3 or 4 hours. When they are done, they will wheel me to recovery until I wake up. Once I’m awake and stable, they will bring me back to my room. Then after a couple hours, I will try eating.
He asks if I understand and am ready, and I blink “yes”.
He calls in one of the nurses, and she preps me for the surgery. Then she adds something into the tube that pumps air through my lungs, and shortly after my vision begins to blur. My heart and breathing slow, then all goes black.

I wake up in a small dark room. I can move my lips, and the tubes are gone. I can hear air whistling through a new, smaller tube positioned lower in my neck. Now, if only sound would come, I could talk. I try, and nothing. But wait! I can move my lips and mouth now. Maybe they can read my lips!
A nurse walks in, and I begin trying to ask her if the surgery was a success and how long until I could go back to my room. She looks at me, checks the monitors, then walks out. I can almost feel my heart drop in my chest I’m so disappointed. I thought for sure that would work!
Dr. Nordeman comes in, and I try again. He does the same as the nurse, and then tells me to calm down. He says that they will be moving me back to my room in hopefully 5-10 minutes. Again I try asking him questions, but again all he says is to calm down. Then he leaves. Why will no one even try to listen? Why? I feel myself begin to cry yet again, but on the inside I am screaming in anger and sadness. How will I ever be able to remember anything if no one will listen to me or answer my questions?

After a few minutes, I’ve calmed down some. The nurse comes back, checks the monitors one more time, and calls to some other nurses for help. They roll me to me room, then leave me alone.
My window is still bright, but today it doesn’t bring me much comfort as it usually does. Even when my bird friend shows up to sing for me, I barely even notice. It just isn’t fair! So much gone wrong all at once, and I don’t even know who I am….or was.
But wait. What if I’ve done something to deserve this? Something I can’t remember? What if I’m a criminal? What if, what if, what if. So many of these thought begin to whip through my mind that I get trampled and left in the dust, choking on what’s left. I get so caught up in them that I don’t even notice my bird friend leaving, or the nurses coming and going. Finally, they stop. But the damage is done.
Now that these thought have entered my head, I can’t seem to get rid of them. They aren’t pummeling me as they were before, but they are always there, sitting at the back of my mind.
Whatever I’ve done to deserve this, it must have been awful.
I’m not as sure of myself now. Do I really want to know who I was before?
What if this isn’t punishment? What if it’s a chance to start over?
Or maybe I’m all wrong and it’s none of this. Maybe it’s all just a big huge accident.
Finally, one of the nurses comes in and interrupts my thoughts. She asks me if I’m ready to eat. I try to say yes. She waits a moment, and then asks again. I blink yes this time, and she nods.
She picks up a phone, and calls someone. A few minutes later, another nurse walks in with a small plate. The first one walks over to my bed, and grabs some kind of remote. She presses a button, and the back of my bed begins to rise up. Once I am in a sitting position, she carefully readjusts me to make me comfortable. From this angle, the room looks so different!
Still plain, but bigger. And there is a phone and digital clock on a little stand by my bed that I hadn’t seen before. I wish I could sit like this more often! And now my head is right next to my window, and I can clearly see everything out of it… everything being my tree and a small patch of grass.

The nurse calls back my attention, then tells me to open my mouth. She places some food inside it, and I begin to chew. I try to swallow, but nothing happens. I try again, and still nothing. I try a third time, and it works! The nurse looks shocked that it has worked, and gives me a huge smile. She feeds me the rest of my meal, wipes off my mouth, puts me back to a laying position, then leaves.

The thoughts start to flood back in, but this time I push them back. After thinking it all over calmly, I have decided that whether this is a second chance or a punishment or neither, I don’t care. I am going to get well, I am going to find out where I came from, and who I am. Good or bad, it doesn’t matter. It might be scary, but I have to do it.

After a short while, I begin to wonder when Sam will get back. I was sure it would be soon. Maybe not tonight, but soon. I waited a little while longer, still hoping that maybe, just maybe he would come back. But when he didn’t come, and my window had been dark for a while, I finally let myself sleep.

I wake up. It must be early, there is very little light coming through my window. It seems so familiar, and yet I know that I have not been up this early since I’ve been here. I must have been a morning person. I begin again my search for memories. All I see are phantoms from my past-little whispers of what might have been. But suddenly, a thought, no, picture appears. I am looking at the pink glow of the rising sun outlining a building, a big one, surrounded by fencing. I am pushing something with handles. And there! Inside that fence! It’s some kind of animal, a great beast… Wait! No! It’s gone. Vanished like the others. But this one, this one has meaning. I just know it does! If only I could speak, if only I could communicate this to another person then maybe we could figure it out. Figure out where I’m from, who I am.
Ugh! If only these stupid nurses would pay attention to me! I know that if Sam was here-Sam! He’ll listen to me! He must come back, and soon! For then, then will I find who I am. Then will I have the help I need to piece this all together.

I try again and again to get that memory to come back, but I can’t.
I then try to think of what creature I saw in it. It wasn’t a person of course. It had been much taller than me, with a long neck, long ears, and long legs.
It had big eyes, and a beautiful lengthy tail. But the tail wasn’t like that of a dog; it was more like, like, like how one of the nurses wears her hair. She holds it back with a rubber band, all of her hair in a bunch and loose at the bottom.
The creature was mostly a brown-ish coppery color, but its tail was black and it had black points on its legs, ears, nose, and the long hair on its neck. It had a long angular face with a white spot towards the top. As I remember these things, an image begins to appear in my mind. Not of that memory, but of the creature itself. Now if only I could remember his name!

Just then, the nurse whose hair I was just thinking about walks in with breakfast. But before she starts to feed me, she says, “Hold on a second. Let me fix my pony tail real quick.”
That’s it! A horse! That’s the animal from my memory! I must have worked with horses or something before. And now the other memory makes sense too! I’m straddling not the fence, but a horse! And that must be why Sam found me on a trail! I was riding! Finally, I have something to think on, something to help me bring back the memories that I know are there, somewhere.
As I eat, I think, remembering all that I can about horses. Each thought brings in more, and more, and more. It is as though I’ve opened floodgates in my head, and all of this is coming at me from nowhere.
They aren’t memories, but facts. I would prefer memories, but these facts are nearly as comforting in that they show me that I know something beyond hospital rooms.
Facts such as coat colors, coat markings and marking types, etc. keep flowing into my head. I must have known a lot about them! If I could only communicate all of this to someone. Oh how I wish Sam would get back already! I long to try and tell him all this. I just know he will listen!

It’s been days. Sam still hasn’t come back, and now it’s raining. I feel as though I like the rain, or did at one point, but it has taken the light and color from my window. Because of the rain, my bird friend also hasn’t been here in days. I have been alone in my dark, dull, gray world and I’m starting to get depressed.

The only thing that has kept me hoping is horses. The thoughts that come every time I think or hear that word are so wonderful. They remind me that I have one link, one open door to my past. As I lay here, I again bring up the image that I have constructed in my head. It is that horse I saw. One that I believe I must have known before. He is a gorgeous animal, with a kind eye. I close my eyes to make the image clearer.
The image comes to life, moving breathing, acting like a true horse. He gives me this enchanting look, and waits for me to come closer. But every time I move closer, he gets further away. Not by his legs mind you, but more like an optical allusion. I walk faster and faster until I am running towards him. I can barely see him now, and he begins to blur. I keep running towards him, but he is gone. I am left alone in this black, blank, bleak, colorless place. I open my eyes, but it’s not much of an improvement.
I am so sick of this lifeless room! If they could do something, anything to it, it would be much more bearable. A splash of paint, a poster, a vase of flowers, heck even just a single flower would make this room better.
I used to have my window, but even that has lost its color. It must be fall, for the tree had already turned partly brown when I got here, and now they have all fallen. Between the rain and the half dead branches, my whole world is nothing but gray. Even the nurses’ wear only white. I am so sick of this place!

I find my self drifting off, and I decide to go with it. With any luck, I’ll at least dream of a more hopeful, color filled place.

My mind begins to stir, and I come back to life. My eyes flutter open, and begin to focus on the forms before me. When my vision has cleared, I recognize the person standing at the door. It’s Sam! He’s back! He’s finally back! The nurse is partially blocking my view of him, and I hear her telling him that I’m sleeping and he must come back later.
He looks past her to me, and motions towards my bed. The nurse turns and sees me watching them, then steps aside.
Sam is holding his soaked hat in his hands. He enters my room, wearing blue jeans and boots that peak out from under a dark brown slicker. He runs a hand through his wet golden hair, and wipes the raindrops from his brow.
He smiles a big, white smile and sits at my side. He realizes that my tubes are gone, and here is my chance. I move my lips as though to say “Hello Sam”, and his smile grows, his deep blue eyes dancing. He replies in a smooth southern drawl, “Hello Ty”.
I give him a puzzled look, and he laughs. It is a big, deep, joyful sound.
Then he explains that when he found me, he would not have seen me if it had not been for the tie-dye shirt I had been wearing. He said that in his mind, from that point on I was Ty.
He told me that I’d had no identity on me. He said that I had only a green, blue and yellow shirt, blue jeans, boots, and-this is what caught my attention-a small handful of black hair that I held onto for dear life.
The doctors had taken it all away when I got here, and Sam hadn’t seen or heard about it since.
I thought this over for a few minutes, then asked, “Was it from a horse?”
Surprised, he said that that’s what he first thought also.
I asked if he knew horses, and he said yes. He had been born on a ranch, and was able to ride before he could walk. When he found me, he had been checking the fence around one of their pastures. He asked me if I did, and I tried to explain that I must have, for I knew a lot about them, but that I don’t remember anything else.
He nodded understandingly, then asked if any of the nurses had told me where he had been. I said yes, and he told me that he had hung posters in every shop window and talked to nearly everyone in the surrounding towns, but could not find anyone who had ever even seen me before.
I had never even thought of this happening. I had been so sure that he would find someone, something!
I was very disappointed, but I knew that I could not loose hope.
I looked at Sam and said, “We can’t give up.” He gave me that look that he had given me the first time I saw him, and replied, “No, we can’t. But I think that for now, we need to focus on getting you better. Once you are well again, I can take you with me. You might not remember anything in here, but maybe you can find something familiar out there.”
I looked at him as I turned this over in my mind. I realized that maybe he was right, and I agreed with him. We continue to talk for a little while longer, mostly about horses.
Then the nurse comes in and says that Sam must go now.
He turns to me, and our eyes meet. We hold a steady gaze for a moment, then say goodbye. Sam puts on his hat, and walks out the door. Again, I listen to his boots as he walks down the hallway, wishing with each step he takes that I was beside him, my boots leaving an echo of their own.

When I can hear him no more, I look to my window. Stunned, I see that it is pitch black out there. It must have been hours since Sam had arrived!
Suddenly, it hit me how tired I was. After looking out my window one more time, I close my eyes and sleep.

I feel something warm and tingly on my face. But wait, on my arms and legs too! My eyes flash open. I am lying on my back in a lush green field.
The grass tickles my sides, and the sun warms my face. How did I get here? I sit up, then stand. How did I do that? What is going on? I look around, and I see grass, and flowers, and a white fence in the distance. I turn around, and there stands that horse!
He’s just as I’d imagined him. He lifts his head from the grass, and nickers at me. Then he walks up to me, and puts his head against my chest. I lean my head against his, and we stand like that for a moment… perfectly content and at peace with the world.
Then, before I realize what I am doing, I grab a handful of mane and vault onto his back.
He begins to dance in place, awaiting my next cue. I lean forward, grab onto his mane with both hands, and whisper into his ear ”Let’s fly!” He moves forward, and I give a slight leg aid to encourage him. He leaps forward, and I glory in the power surging beneath me. We move as one, so entangled in each other that none can tell where horse ends and girl begins.
I test my steering and brakes by asking him to circle, slow, speed up, so on and so forth. We are perfectly in sync. After a few more circles, I point him at the fence, and his ears prick forward. He needs no encouragement, and together we fly over, as though with wings. I praise him lavishly, and he tosses his head in pure joy. I can feel myself smile from ear to ear. This is what I was born to do
I close my eyes for a moment, and listen to the wind whistle by my ears, my horse’s mane whipping my wind blushed cheeks. This is home.
I open my eyes, and we are nearing some buildings. I slow my horse as we get closer, until we are walking into the midst of them.
I look up and realize that this is the barn I saw in my memory! I look around. There is a little log cabin beside the barn, and up there on that hill I see the tree from my other memory, the one my bird friend brings! I begin to recognize this place, beyond my memories. I hear a screen door slam open, and a dog and little boy come running towards me. The dog is barking loudly, and my horse shuffles his feet, asking me if it’s okay. I pat him to reassure him, and he calms down. The little boy is screaming “Dad! Dad! She’s home! Sissy’s home!”
As he nears me, I slide off my horse. He runs up and hugs my leg; I crouch down and hug him back. Somehow I know him. I look up, and there is a man approaching. Tears start to stream down my face, for I know him. It’s my Father!
He sees that it really is me, and cries “Praise the Lord of heaven above! My little girl has come home!” Tears streaming down both our faces, we run and embrace each other. We stand in each other’s arms, and he whispers into my ear, “I thought I’d lost you!” Then I replied, “I thought I lost you too, Dad.”
I lean on him and cry into his shoulder for a long time, he rests his head on mine and does the same, all the while stroking my hair. Then, out of the blue there was a loud crash, and suddenly my father vanishes. I turn quickly around, and the boy and dog do the same. Everything begins to disappear around me. I run and leap onto the horse, panicked. The horse is scared too, and almost before I’m on he takes off, running back to the field. I urge him on, and we build speed. Faster and faster we go, as everything behind and around us turns to black.
Tears fly across my face as the wind whips me mercilessly. We approach the fence once more, but as he leaps into the air it vanishes beneath us. This distracts him, and he nearly goes down upon landing. I fly over his shoulder, and land hard. I try to scramble to my feet, but can’t seem to get a hold of the ground. The horse turns and sees my struggle, but as he turns back to help me, he too turns to vapor and vanishes. I scream “No!” as everything around me disappears, leaving not a trace. With no tears left to cry, and no hope to hold on to, I close my eyes. I remain that way a moment, and hear a noise. I open my eyes, and I am back in my hospital room.
I try to sit up, but nothing happens. I turn my eyes as far as I can, and I see the source of the clang that woke me up. Out in the hall a nurse is cleaning silver wear up off the floor and putting it into a big gray tub. It must have fallen down.
It had all been just a dream. An amazing and wonderful dream, but just a dream all the same.
Oh, how I wish I could have gone with Sam today, added the sound of my feet to the sound of his, never to turn back.
But what if I never heal? What if I never have more mobility than I do now? What if I have to spend the rest of my life here, in this hospital room? Not knowing who I am or where I’m from? Leaving my Dad to wonder where I’ve gone?
No. I cannot, will not let that happen.

--DTK
p.s. It doesn't end here. Read part 2 in next months contest!